I started my life over a few years ago in 2007. I had just started my last semester in school and was about to graduate with my bachelors in Elementary Education. I was married to a man that was never home and didn't care to be at home. I had three beautiful children in the house with me. My oldest was in her eleventh grade year, a son in his tenth grade year, and my youngest was in her fifth grade year. "I am about to graduate and things are going to be so much better for me!", I thought. I must have fell and bumped my head on something for I met a cute guy named Jerry a week before New Year's Eve. He was 9 years younger than me and.....yes, I know what you are thinking....and seemed very nice. I was miserable with my marriage and I said, "what the heck" and I filed for divorce. I didn't divorce my husband of thirteen years for this 29 year old stranger, but it was something in my head screaming "change!!!!" So, I did it....whew! I thought, "This is a new beginning. I will finally have that happiness that I deserve. The kids will be thrilled. My career as a school teacher will make me confident. I will have everything that I ever dreamed of."
A month into my new marriage, things got crazy with my children. My oldest told me her thoughts about her new step-dad wanting to "kill us all in our sleep". I was shocked that she would even suggest such a notion of sweet Jerry. Then, later, the youngest daughter threw a rock and hit him on the back of the head one day in the yard while practicing for basketball. Remember, she was only ten years old. My son, he started staying out late and being annoying and would not listen to a thing that I said. He seemed to have lost respect for me. I think it was the age difference. He would say things to me like, "Mom he isn't my step-dad. He isn't that much older than me and he is NOT going to tell me what to do in my own home!" I tried to remind my son that Jerry was fourteen years older than he was, but it didn't matter to him.
Now, the marriage has subsided. It has only been two years and he has turned into an angry, hard to talk to, man. He is saying mean things to me like, "You married you a young stud, so I am in my PRIME!" He is depressed all of the time.
Let me back up....Jerry was doing drugs before I met him. He had been sober only a year when I met him from drugs and alcohol. I thought that was a great thing, being sober a year! He was the only person that I knew that had stopped drinking for a year. Most people drink after work every day or drink every weekend. I, personally, cannot drink much. I am not able to burp. Crazy as it sounds, I cannot burp. So this makes me get full from one drink.
Back to the problem. He has been sober for five years now. He got his five year chip from an AA meeting on February 9th. I was so proud of him. It has been a tough journey. Times are hard today for Jerry. He got really violent with me. He gets angry for no particular reason. He says I am the "love of his life" and he doesn't want a divorce from me. He is scared he is going to hurt me. (Jerry got angry with a boy over ten years ago and broke his neck at a bar. The boy is in a wheelchair and a quadriplegic on a ventilator. My brother was in the same shape from an accident training for Desert Storm. I was shocked when I found this out and yes, he did tell me about this incident BEFORE I married him. ) I know what you are thinking.....I am stupid. I am far from dumb, but I need my rear kicked. Jerry has moved out of my home. He got an apartment 4 miles from me about two weeks ago. What do you do? He says he did it so he wouldn't hurt me. Jerry signed a 12 month lease on this one bedroom apartment. He says he may not be there that long. I am left without his support and sometimes I feel I am left without his love. I am lonely. I am sad. My oldest two children are in college and no longer live with me. My youngest daughter stays with her dad most of the time. We are in a battle now for child support...which is another long story. I am stressed the "f" out. I can't believe I didn't see the signs. Is this my fault? AM I to blame? He says he needs to heal in order to get that loving man that I deserve. He promises with all his heart, soul, and faith that he is not cheating on me. I must believe him. I pray for him every night. As I type this, he is in a NA meeting. I want him to come home a better man, but I want it soon. I can't do this without him. I didn't get married to be alone and support myself. I am a school teacher and I do not make enough money to support three car notes, and house with electricity bills. I am attractive, young still at heart, I don't cheat, and I am a Christian. I feel I brought him out of a tunnel. I bought him two trucks, got him a good job and I gave him all that I had to give. Why is he so depressed? He can't have children. He claims his mom beat him as a child and left him sterile. He had prostate surgery at age 12 that left him with no hope of children. I thought marrying me, he would get over that, but he brings it up more than enough. I feel like I need to be unselfish and let him heal. Human nature gives us that need to survive and selfish ways. I can't help, but to think about myself right now. I can't believe he was so selfish to leave me with all these bills and put his paycheck toward HIS new place. What about the month he lived here before he left. The light bill, the gas bill? When is it time to be unselfish? I guess the answer to that is when you have to be. I give even more to him now. I give him time to heal. I am taking all the chances in the world. My heart is bleeding for attention as I sit here alone on a Friday night typing in hopes someone out there will read this. What will you say to me? Is there anything that anyone can do? Am I right for waiting? Am I a fool to think that time will make him into the beautiful man that I met? Did the kids see something that I couldn't at that point in time? Was this going to happen no matter what? Are all drug addicts and alcoholics doomed in relationships? IS IT POSSIBLE to get back the peaceful and spiritual side of yourself? I pray that it is possible. I need him back with me as a good man that he once was. It is my time to be unselfish and wait.
